Nothing much to do with video games.

Well it has been a pretty fun time. Except for the fact that I have been a bit sick the past couple of days and I cannot seem to drag myself to the gym or apply for jobs... No sleep = sick for me. I dunno. I am healthy as a horse most of the time. But when I don't get sleep I get sick. Always. I spent my first year in college sick as a dog before I realized that. So that sucks.

And the whole ad campaign thats going on about not spreading germs and shit that keeps airing on the radio and TV is freaking me out. Is there some SUPER bug on the loose?

Holiday time was busy as hell.

Highlight was New Years when I faced off in a dreamast duel against Matt. I never knew he played but I guess he does. He does the whole "plays with fingers instead of thumbs" thing on the DC pad. He used to play Soul Calibur against other people for money. So I beat him by two games in Soul Calibur he but he crushed me in SNK Vs Capcom. To his credit he was VERY drunk at the time. Fun times. In shameful news I got beat out by a girl (my cousin no less) in SNK vs. Capcom but I beat her so yeah. Still lamez. I don't have much experience facing other people in those games though so I think I did good. Overall it sucked that I had to leave early since I had to work the next morning...

However I would have stayed the whole night if I would ahve known that I had NO work on the first. Shit dude. Nothing. I basically just sat there and read webcomics.

Anwyays I blew through a TON of webcomics in the past week. Including leastIcoulddo penny-arcade and RPGworldcomic. And by that I mean I start at the first one and read my way through. Hundreds of pages.

I have a bad habit of ripping into books, art, movies or whatever reading them and throwing them away.

I mean authors and artists put a ton of work into these creations and I rip my way through them hungry for the next panel, the next page. Whatever.

And then I never pause to refect on the deeper meanings of the story. Sure I can read any book in a few hours and remember enough of it to write a college level paper without any trouble. (Thats why I kept the History portion of my college education ...easy A's and B's.) But do I really get anything out of it?

Have I actually got anything out of all the material I have gone throughout the years?

So for the past week a ton of material and I gotta say the one comic that actually stopped me in my tracks for a second was megatokyo. Wow. What a friggen' awesome little free comic that is. Like most comics it started off very rough but it really expanded beyond most. It's actually not that great at times but really captured my interest due to the mood I was in. Very ironic and stupid and annoying at times. But overall prett cool. It took me two days to read what was there so far. A record length for me. So unlike most of the others that I will probably check in with it once in awhile. I don't usually follow much manga or anything.

But thats the exception rather than the rule. I blow through media of all sorts really quickly trying to get to the next page or episode or whatever. Maybe I should just concentrate on trying to come up with stuff on my own?

Hanging out with other people that I knew was fun too. So maybe it is just a social life I am lacking?

Anywho. Need more money. Better job. Social life. Purpose for existance. Outlet for creative impulses. Answers to all life's questions. I need alot of stuff.

I am 25 and I feel like my life is already slipping away. I feel like such a waste. And I also hate feeling like this because feeling like this seems to waste even more of my time.

Wtf?

Someone was asking me life questions like this at the party and I started to realise that I had no fucking answers at all. Yet I am not a person that can just sink into total oblivion or blindly follow someone else's lead.

I can't put my life into some else's religion or way of thinking. I have read and learned about a ton of shit.

None of it rings as the truth to me.

I can't believe in the shit that other people tell themselves or lie to themselves about.
Is my life really a waste?

Beacause what else can I do? Lead a "Normal" life. Sire offspring that will have the same non-existance as myself?

And people that have seem to shun "normal life" are EVEN MORE NORMAL THAN NORMAL PEOPLE!

And I really am NOT a fucking person who doesn't believe in anything. I WANT to believe in something. I know there is a higher power. I fucking know there is something somewhat like a plan. I WANT to believe in other people and in myself.


But there is so much shit like emotion and chemicals in my brain that don't make any sense at all. Why do I build up so much fantasy when there is no reality to support it?

Is the fog in my brain self inflicted to keep myself from going batshit crazy?

I dunno. I do not have any answers to anything. I hope to God that someone else does or at least does not have to deal with the kind of shit that is going on with me. Because if everyone is like that it would suck ass.

My brains are srcamblezedddddd.